Existence
by Amethyst Dragon
Summary: Tsukasa's thoughts after the episode Epitaph. Please R+R, the story is much better than the summary.


A little vignette thingy that Tsukasa has after episode 9: Epitaph. You know, the really sad one with the baby grunty that made me horribly depressed all day... well, for a few hours anyway. Did they have to make that grunty so incredibly cute? Arrrgh... Anyhoo, thanks for reading my fic. 'Twas written in a small flurry of boredness/depression in saturday school. Ahhh... the joys of detention. You'd be surprised at how stimulating staring at ceiling tiles can be for the imagination. Or maybe it's not, and I'm just really weird. 

Disclaimer: You know the drill... I own nothing and nobody, except for a half empty bag of 

skittles I am currently holding hostage. Everything else is all wishful thinking. *sigh*

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Existence. What does that word truly mean? In order for something to exist, it needs to be real; it needs to be touched, to be felt. Yet things in this so-called game do exist, but they are not living, they are not real. It is just a game, all virtual, all made by a machine that has no feelings and no breathing, living existence of its own. It can't feel what I feel, it can't see what I see. It's all numbers and letters and codes and its purpose is only to serve those who do "exist." 

I felt that baby grunty. He was warm against my cold hand, like I was the dead one and he was very much alive. To me, the grunty existed, he lived and breathed and spread warmth and happiness. When he died, I was sad. Why would I be sad over something that isn't real? They say the grunty was virtual, all programmed. To the real world, the poor baby grunty was nothing. He never existed in the real world so he never mattered. 

But he did exist. Even if it was in a programmed world, he existed. I still can't comprehend that the warm, cute, living baby grunty was nothing but an image created by that lifeless computer. Maybe he was more than that, much more. How can an image be so warm? 

The World... it is nothing more than another creation of machines. A beautiful, expansive, large world, full of people that exist in another dimension, one that we call reality... but what if this my reality? What if The World is my reality? It's not like I have another dimension I can go to...

So this is my reality. My reality is nothing more than programmed images and people hiding behind virtual masks, not wanting to reveal their other dimension selves. They come to my reality to escape theirs, to run away. I can't run away. I'm stuck in my own virtual existence.

Mimiru.... her hand felt warm as well. Why am I so cold? Is it because my reality does not truly exist? Perhaps I never had another dimension, maybe I'm just another image created by that computer...

Images don't have feelings. They can't be sad over a baby grunty, they can't feel warmth or cold or anything. They're nothing. Shells, that's what they are.... lifeless shells of nothing but pretty pictures to make the people who do "exist" happy, to make them feel good. 

Maybe these feelings are just programmed too... the computer is playing tricks on me. It is making me "feel" things. The thoughts that I call feelings are nothing more than a computer feeding information into my brain. Numbers, letters, shapes.. that's all I am. That would mean that I am nothing more than a worthless creation of machinery that does not exist, that does not have a reality at all. I am hollow.

No... you can't program feelings. I know these feelings are real. They have to be... 

Even if they are real... why can't I log out? Why can't I return to the real reality? Maybe I don't belong there... my existence has been reduced to a virtual game image. 

Why am I even thinking these things? Of course I'm not an image and I'm not programmed. I guess I've just been in this virtual reality so long that I've lost almost all sense of what it is to be real. I do exist, somewhere in that other dimension. Sometimes I want so desperately to escape this virtual prison and find myself. That usually only happens when I am extra lonely, though. Other times I would be content to stay in The World, but I don't feel that as often anymore. Some days I think I'm going to go crazy. Well, if I don't go crazy today, I sure as hell will soon if I'm stuck here for much longer. 

Mimiru... Bear... Subaru.... they all try to help me, and I'm glad for that, but... they'll never understand. After all of the events of the day in the virtual world they can leave and go to their real world. They say their goodbyes and I'm left alone. This server is particularly lonely at night, with only a few occasional wanderers and some people who sleep during the day and work at night. I've talked to this one woman a few times, although her name eludes me. I've probably heard her life story at least twice but I don't mind. She hates her husband, how he drinks. She tells me about how her little baby boy recently died of pneumonia. She also talked about her parents once; how they think she's such a disappointment because she works the night shift at a factory of some sort because she dropped out of school, and that she was an only child. She says she comes to The World as a means of escape on her off days. I think she talks to me because she's lonely. I like talking to her, truth be told, because hearing all of her problems makes me feel a little bit better about mine. Still, at the end of the day she gets to leave. Even if her reality is worse than mine, she still gets to go. I haven't seen her lately, though, so the nights have been extra lonely. 

The days can be lonely too. Just because there are a lot of people wandering around doesn't mean that you don't feel isolated. Abandoned in a sort of way, like a little lost puppy wandering through city streets. I honestly don't know what to do with myself on those days. Should I go out and wander? No, that's still pointless. But it's not like sitting in a little corner to myself pondering my existence or the meaning of life will be that productive either. So I just sit, and wait... wait for something. What I wait for, I don't know. A miracle, perhaps? Some sort of sign that I do exist in that other dimension, maybe. A way to leave my prison. I don't know. I think I'm going crazy already.

Whatever I'm waiting for, it had better get here soon.


End file.
